Stage 4 of 7
Will
2 → 4 years
The child at this age becomes able to separate her thinking, intentions, and actions; to make choices and put all her power into her action. In an adult, the disruptions from this stage can lead to either acting from a self-sacrificing position and having difficulties in planning, or holding back power and appearing angry, while believing that if there is a problem it is someone else’s fault.
Developmental themes
- Will - choice and consequences.
- Experimenting with coping with things including body functions
- Managing - power/being without power.
- Balancing between acting from myself or out of altruism.
- Distinguishing between intention and action.
- Distinguishing between physical/material reality - imagination and extrasensory experience.
- Guilt - punishment - self-punishment.
- Expression of all emotions at full blast – containing / regulate own power.
- Experiencing two emotions simultaneously.
- Experimenting with roles and humor.
- Operative thinking, understanding of dualities (e.g. boy-girl, large-larger) and generalized thoughts.
- Short term planning - consciousness of time (being able to act as planned on purpose (can wait).
Early position
Self-Sacrificing
General attributes
- Parent treats child with the attitude “do for me, not for you”
- Child gives up own sense of power to serve/please others
- Child is crushed/smothered when using his/her own power
- Child is unable to choose for themselves and act from core
- Experience themselves as inadequate because they believe they should know without asking or learning.
- “You make me feel xyz.” ; omnipotent transference; Defense: Projection of will
- Gives up power in one way to gain it in another often by taking care of others
- Gains power by taking care of people in a one-up one-down relationship; self-worth derived from this
- Leads with “unconscious compassion” and an open heart….yet underneath harbors lots of resentment
- Blames others for not helping
- Can’t grasp consequences, resulting in difficulties with choices and planning
- Prone to black and white thinking
- Feels temporary pseudo-power through “hard work” and continuous activity of “doing”, “willing” and “efforting”
- Burdened & proud, altruistic, devoted & patient; martyr
- Experiences guilt, shame and low self-esteem easily
- Tends to be masochistic & enduring
- Very self-critical; self flogging; thousands of times a day; often leads to depression
- Assumes connection will be lost/relationships will end when they go into their own power
Physical attributes
- Carrying an invisible yoke across their shoulders; tail drawn between legs
- Pained-Compassionate expression on their face; apologetic
Needs to learn
- Give up the fantasy of being able to remove/solve others’ problems.
- Ask others about their expectations instead of believing they know them.
- How to feel and emobdy their own sense of power using bodynamic ego functions & associated muscles
- Accept criticism of their actions without confusing it with criticism of their personality
- Conscious compassion (directed with bounds) instead of unconscious compassion without bounds
Late position
Judgmental
General attributes
- Parent isolates child when he/she acts with their own will & power
- Child is unable to feel connected to family when they use their own will & power
- Critical, Judgmental and often have disgust expression
- Chronically irritated, cross their arms, blame a lot
- Feel only powerful on their own and then tend to do things full blast
- Feels that people around them are stupid & dumb
- Experiences that “it’s the others’ fault”
- Act on unarticulated rituals, rules and plans.
- Task is more important than their own needs
- Overly optimistic about time needed to complete a task
- Continuous “doing” and “willing” and effort. Must be done well.
- Do not like to be told what to do. Instantly resist.
- Tend to hold-on and push through
- Letting go feels threatening & dreadful
- Defense: Blaming
- Feel that it’s all on them
- Rigid & stubborn
- Holding back on anger, strong emotions & vulnerability results in lots of upper back & neck tension
- Bruxism; undifferentiated muscle tension, tight hamstrings
- Can’t relax unless all work is complete…which it never is…
Physical attributes
- Analyzing/Judging look in the eyes
- “Bull necked”
- Resting Bitchy Face or Resting Asshole Face
Needs to learn
- Compassion by melting the armour around the heart using the bodynamic ego functions & associated muscles
- Experience problems as solutions waiting to be found as opposed to burdens
Healthy resolution
Will
Assertive: Determination, Power, and Persistence - A resourced person’s back and shoulders are straight and unburdened, and the shoulders and buttocks are full and energized. They have a lot of energy that they can choose to put behind their intentions, decisions and actions in the world. The person is able to use all their power while still being considerate of others. They can be altruistic, but they are aware of their own limits and of taking on burdens. They can follow suggestions without feeling a loss of freedom. They can act freely and assertively with others and in groups, giving and receiving help. They are able to plan well, with time for unforeseen events. They can be devoted, patient, critical, and humorous without being sarcastic.