The Ukraine Veterans Project

I will start to describe my experiences with the way I got to the Wounded Warriors Ukraine training.

Being brutally captured by bandits at the occupied territories of Luhanska oblast. In the smelly basement people were subjected to terrible tortures and shot to death – these events required maximum mobilization of all moral and physical resources. But it was only after I escaped and was free and at the safe place that I realized – this was only the beginning of the real trials that awaited me in the seemingly safe and peaceful life. When tension and feeling of constant danger and threat to my life weakened, when I stopped looking for cover, the inner demons started torturing me and it was just as horrible as the basement. Uncontrolled rage could be provoked by any reason however small. Everything annoyed me. The fact that I lost my house, my job, my income and savings, and many other things that used to be the sense of my life. I was busy looking for new sources of income to support my family and had health problems but I still wanted to get revenge, bloody and brutal. My subconscious mind produced unbelievable pictures of how I cut, brake and torn to pieces the bastards who destroyed my life with my bare hands. These pictures were very vivid and I even had dreams about it. When I would wake up I couldn’t understand were I was. My teeth were so strongly shut it was hurting, my eyes were bloodshot. It was like being thrown down from some other parallel reality. Then depression came and I was gripped by apathy, boredom, pressing pain and helplessness. I didn’t want to do anything, didn’t even want to eat. I would just lie down, drink water sometimes… I stared at the ceiling and couldn’t sleep. I would fall into oblivion filled with bizarre dreams for 20-30 minutes, wake up and everything would start all over again.

I felt that I was sliding into the abyss, my resistance was weakening and I started to realize that I was not able to overcome this problem on my own. I tried to talk to psychologists but they didn’t understand the war and the problems of internally displaced people. So I felt confusion and resentment instead of relief.

I ended up at the first module of WWU by accident but immediately understood what I needed all this time when I struggled with myself. Two main things: communication with soldiers who participated in combat and understanding of what was happening to me described in the very simple but powerful examples. I understood in what direction I should start to rebuild my life and what I should do to direct a revenge energy to a more useful cause of helping people suffering from the consequences of war. It was then when I felt a great desire to continue with the project and started writing down my memories. Next training stages in Vorokhta inspired me and encouraged me to take action. I took part in three modules of not just training but a full learning experience that gave me strong charge of internal energy, emotions, new plans and desire to see them trough.

My main achievements are:

• I changed the way how I see myself, learned to manage emotions and to use peak experiences, to feel the grounding energy, my own boundaries, to experiment with what my body is telling me – be it a physical exercise or a need to share my experiences with others;
• I started to sleep well as a result of physical exercises that became a part of my life;
• I stopped picturing cruel revenge and I do not dream about it anymore. I directed my energy to a different goal – to be helpful to those who need my help;
• I am honest with myself now and am able to see not only my shortcomings but to value my achievements as well. I understood my peak in shock experience, my core decision and directions of my development;
• And it is a real bliss to feel the joy of being alive!

I am very happy that the friends I made during the training, unmatched trainers and participants, real heroes that I immensely respect, take my stories and me seriously, and that I receive a feedback of trust from them. I needed this from the very beginning! And so I am very grateful to everyone!

Special thanks to unsurpassed Ditte Marcher, to her talent and abilities to inspire people of war for a new life!

Andrii Syniakov

I remember myself in December 2014. Absence of the direction in life, all my thoughts are about my friend who was killed in combat and about going back to the front. I had really great friends around me, they supported me after I got wounded. The woman I love and who loves me back was also with me. My parents are alive and well. Everything seems to be all right. So why am I still fighting here in the back land and what am I fighting against?.. Against my lame leg. The nerve is damaged and I don’t know if it’s going to work again. But what gets me the most is that I am here and the war is still there and it looks like there is no escape from it. I made a decision to go back and my state of mind was such that I couldn’t explain anything even to those close to me. I go back in 5 days and that’s it.

It was an instant relief when I got back. I was at the front, I was at home with my people. I was able to think again and felt at peace. And then it hit me. How much grief and tears I caused to those who cared about me by going back and most of all by the way I went back. I started to find ways to rebuild those burnt bridges. I still remember those months, the feeling of making the right decision accompanied by shame and pain.

One day I was going to the class on mortar engagement and stopped by the photo exhibition by me late friend who was killed in combat. I saw many people I knew there. One of them invited me to the rehabilitation course. I got interested but told him I would come only if my commanding officer agrees. My commander did not give me permission and so I didn’t go. It was the first module of the training by Ditte Marcher. A month went by and I met my friend who went there. We spoke for five minutes and I realized that This was exactly what I needed. This this how the Equal to Equal path started, the path to restoring the Passion to live… The Path that leads home.

I think what Ditte and the professional team did is truly priceless for me and for other participants as well.

Imaging a person who appears in your life, shakes it up and all that was fading starts to make sense again, the past is redefined, suddenly you want the future to come, to plan, to live more than one day. Family, children, job, everything starts to make sense again. And these people are not magicians, they are professionals, who create opportunities and show the doors. I open those doors but I am not alone. I am safe and surrounded by brothers. As a result I finished the training in five month. I went on vacation and spent 20 days out of 24 at home making contact only with family and the woman I love. I rekindled relationship with her thanks to the Body Knot and by learning how to manage my emotions. I was finally able to talk to her being at peace and found the words she was able to hear. When I came out of my “Cave” the world accelerated. I entered the University. Took discharge from the army. Spent weeks getting the documents in the queues at the hospitals, clinics and military registration offices… I Calmly Went through all seven rounds of the bureaucratic hell without getting into the conflict Even Once… They really tried to start the conflict but I was present, I was calm and knew how to use safe places and safe people. I left behind the black and white world… Thank you, Ditte. Thank you, Team. One person at a time ☺

First, there was Maidan in 2013. Everything started on November 21 on my birthday and I went to Kyiv several days later. By March I had strong understanding that my life is divided into before and after. Even if ‘before’ is 21 years of my life and ‘after’… there is no ‘after’ so far. Everything is still going on for me. I found loyal friends there and those events brought me close to my brother. I felt that people around me are my pack. Then I moved a lot.

The war started. I had to be there. I had no doubts about it. I was sure that everyone had to be there. It was the logical turn of events for me. My younger brother went to war first. He was barely 18 years old at the time. My chosen sister and I finished the course in tactical medicine first. During this time I changed my residence very often.

My friends and people I knew got injured, we had to say goodbye to the fallen. We brought the coffin with our fallen brother in arms to the funeral after the ceremony at the base in our ambulance. His family was there with us in the ambulance. I knew him since Maidan. He wanted to have seven sons. But it’s not about it. The next morning we came back in the same car. We ate grilled chicken and laughed at the spot where the coffin was yesterday. And then the same evening we went to the funeral house to choose the coffin for another soldier… such contrast. It is only now that I think about it and remember the details…

The contrasts were even more pronounced at the front: bombardment at night, and during the day… One time my brother and I were on duty and he found a jumping rope for me in one of the destroyed houses so that I could jump. It was not very comfortable to jump in the combat boots though. Slowly I started to tell apart our fire from enemy fire, if the bomb went too far or not too far enough. During the day we drank coffee and were genuinely happy and at night we would take the wounded to the hospital in Mariupol. We were scared of silence – when there was no explosions neither at night nor during the day. I felt much better when I was at the front then when I would go back to take exams at the University (I had to take the exams).

When I came back, everything was happening so fast – the exams, finals, my bachelor diploma, taking entrance exams, new job, moving… Physically I was not at the front but I thought about going back. I read that the war changes people but I was sure that it does not apply to me, that I was the same person I was before… I was so wrong… I started to think that some things were normal that are not normal and cannot be normal…

I came to the training together with my chosen sister. I thought it was just a normal lecture that I would attend to and then would go back. When we were asked to introduce ourselves, I went into a sort of stupor. I didn’t know what to say. Who am I? I didn’t have time to realize who I was now. I introduced myself automatically several more times. We started the first module in October and finished the fourth one in June. During this time I passed exams, defended my diploma, taught tactical medicine trainings at the military bases and at the front, fell in love, worked, moved. I know for sure now that the war changed me and it is not good and not bad. It is just a fact. Now I need to get to know and accept this new me. It was hard for me to communicate with others and I suspect they had difficulties with me too. Now I give people a chance and do not treat others with hostility from the very beginning. I accept that people can have other opinions. The latter was probably the hardest. I needed the support that I obtained at the training because before I move forward chaotically and now my progress is more goal oriented.

The war is not over yet so “after the war” has not begun. I know that there is always war somewhere but it is not always happening in my country, not always my friends, brothers in arms and people I know die in the war. “After the war” will start only after we will not say goodbye to the soldiers and volunteers because only this month we buried six people in our unit. But I am alive.

I have two wars behind me. 1986-1989 in Afghanistan, Mazari-Sharif. And a year and a half serving in the volunteer battalion in the South-East of Ukraine in 2014-2016.

When I came home from Afghanistan in 1989 I was greeted by indifference and fear by society. I tried to conceal the fact that I was a veteran during the job interviews . Only people who knew me personally respected and trusted my combat experience. In 1994 I entered the actor program at the theater institute. Years of study and playing in the theaters gave me a chance to load my mind with new experiences and heightened my self-esteem. However, I didn’t solve the problem of my combat experience. Negative pictures (flashbacks) of war surfaced in my memory and continued to live in my consciousness. I didn’t know where to go for help. I thought I could overcome this by myself. Because I was not sick. I started to turn to alcohol more and more. First just during the holidays, then I would drink a half a litter bottle of vodka every night. My body started to give up and my sweat smelled like acetone. I realized I was loosing it. I became an alcoholic. During this time I got divorced twice. I left the theater. I became totally empty. The situation changed only after I moved and changed circle of friends. I became friends with psychologists who helped me to see my problem and to find strength to come back. I became involved with helping orphaned children and got a degree in psychology.

I joined a volunteer battalion in August 2014 after Russian army invaded Ukraine. As a crisis psychologist, I helped to form the battalion and carried out trainings for the special forces before going to the front. All my skills and my combat experience were needed in the war zone. As a regular soldier, I went for duty details, carried out routine military job and talked to the soldiers a lot. When I came back home I started to think about rehabilitation of the participants of this war and became in charge of the rehabilitation center in Kharkiv. It was there that I first joined the training Heart of the Warrior that was taught by Ditte Marcher and adopted to Ukraine. Later on I went through all four training modules. And got the certificate.

Today together with other veterans I carry out the post-traumatic development trainings at the Heart of the Warrior Rehabilitation Center and in the oblast. We have a lot of communication with people who went through the war. The principle is equal to equal, veteran to veteran help me to find common ground in the conversation.

Meeting with Ditte Marcher and the post-traumatic training became a turning point in the search of the new life resources. I started to understand my aggression and its causes. My relationship with my wife became more trustful. People who I encounter become valuable to me. I have “safe people” that I can openly talk to about my feelings or my state of mind. I received well-deserved support and strength that I did not have before. I want to thank Ditter Marcher, Roman Torgovitsky, Oleh Hukovsky for their support and for believing in me.

The battalion comes back to Kyiv, the third mobilization wave is being discharged. My friends drop me off at the town of Boryspil. My confused husband picks me up there. The “precious cargo” is being transferred from the battalion to my husband. The situation is tense and nobody knows what to do and how to react – neither I, nor my husband, nor the guys.

I go back home to my family, where everything became different, strange, secondary during this period of war. Something tells me that I have to be happy – I am alive, I came back. But everything is strange. It looks familiar but it is not mine, I am like a guest. We pretend that everything is OK and everyone is happy to see each other. But they try to avoid me or pointedly pretend that nothing has changed. But it has! They all annoy me so much that I almost hate them and want to run away. And it scares me. I want to cry out of shame and resentment to them, to myself, to the world. I have no tears, it’s been a year since I have not able to cry.

– How are you? What is going on there at the front? – ask my husband and my older sons. – Go and look for yourself…

At home, I am immediately loaded with different tasks that I haven’t done for a year. I really tried to do something because I was ashamed – I abandoned my family. But I didn’t have any strength, any wish to do anything, my hands were weak and would only come up when I wanted to strangle someone.

At first, I was holding on to rare conversations with my comrades in arms – on Facebook, on the phone or in person. But it was already different and we were not a pack anymore. I forced myself to reconnect with the family, friends, my former life… Again and again I would run away to the front with the volunteer groups. I really was just running away because I didn’t find much sense in these trips anymore. I visited packs that were not mine, I was a guest. The soldiers didn’t need as much financial and material support as during the first year and I could not give them psychological support since I was falling apart and confused.

Life rapidly began to lose sense. Life was painted only in white and black with no shades or undertones.

There was a culmination. I came back from another volunteer trip. Big mess and my drunk husband met me at home. The kids went to see the grandmother. I felt huge disgust and shame towards the man I loved for over ten years. We go to the balcony. I am silent. He talks about something related to establishing a nation. My emotions are under control now. There is a black hole inside of me, nothing can break out of it – no emotions, no feelings, no light. I calmly ask my husband to leave my life. He doesn’t hear me. And then I feel how slowing and scary something rises in my body. I feel unbelievable strength in my every muscle. I realize than now I will pick up the person with whom I shared the universe before, and will through him out the balcony. I watch myself from the outside and notice how physically strong and emotionally bleak I am. That I can kill. I watched it, swallowed and the killing wave subsided. I went with it and laughed viciously – so, this is how it can be controlled. I have never laughed with such ease and such anger before. It was not hysterical, aggressive or desperate. It was realization. I went to the room and called my mother in law, a wonderful woman, and asked her “Please, come and get him.”

I was alone in the apartment in half an hour. I didn’t need anybody. Even more, I was scared of my reaction to any disturbance coming from the family. I felt I could stay alone forever. Because no one could possibly understand what was going on with me. I felt that did not need anyone. I was looking down from the balcony and wanted to end this. Did I want to die? Hell no! I really love life. I am holding on to it all the time with all my might. I did not want to die then. But I did not see any other way out. I just could not handle it… it was some untraceable and unmeasurable pain, longing and despair. I wanted at least to lessen the pain if not to get rid of it. Then some safety mechanism worked and I asked myself: Do you want to leave your children with all this shit that you are full of right now? Do you want them to clean up after you all this mess? I made a decision to live and started to look for a way – how…

It was clear that I needed to look for a psychologist or a therapist. The psychiatrist would be the last choice. I would need money to hire a good specialist and I did not have any money or any strength to look for money or a psychologist. I knew I needed help but where would I find strength?

I met a few psychologists in my life but somethings was not right with them. And it’s not that they did not go to war. It was as if they were not up to it. I did not believe in the sincerity of their intention to listen to me. They would either fall into my stories or close up. I was telling all my friends and family members that I needed to see a therapist because I could not handle anything on my own pretending to be joking. They joked back saying that I am strong and I will be all right. I did not dare to tell any one of them that I needed help.

My friends told me about the training. I hesitated but after I saw that my friend Hatylo, the person I trust and love, and whose skepticism was a litmus indicator in a lot of political and common situations for me, also went through this training, I had no doubts.

I think I will remember the first level to the end of my days. It is interesting to see how the way I see the world and myself had changed since then. I brought three more veterans to the training and met a friend from my battalion there. It was my environment, safe and familiar, and then I heard what the trainer and the co-trainers talked about.

A few conclusions I made:

• There is a circle of people here, who have the same bugs in their head as I do. And they also don’t know what to do with it.
• No one from the training team is going to save me, cure me or to give me first medical or eighteenth psychological help.
• Shit, I have a body.
• They cut me up, gave me cool instruments and told me – if you want to live – make a surgery yourself.
• This training is my only fucking chance to survive. There are the same guys here as at the front. It’s easy with them.

With the discoveries I started to move on with my life by making a key decision – I will go through all the stages of this training, I will not give up and will survive. I will dig out what I did wrong and why I brought myself to such a state.

Today I understand that some time ago I dragged the war home… Together with empty cartridges, signed flag, grenade rings, that I was given instead of jewelry, I dragged it in my head… and it was and still is holding me… I perceive myself through the prism of the war even when I am not there… It is how I perceive what is real and what is not in people, events and news. It interfered with my life before the training when I became obsessed or extremely sad. When my body was burning with pain. I am not trying to find the old me now, the one before the Maidan… I want to understand and love the new me… It is hard… I have such a collection of fears, taboos and disappointments that sometimes I find it ironic. How much junk my small head can hold! I am slowly clearing out this junk… with the help of people and instruments that I was given at the training… I want changes in my country but it would not be right to say that I will fight for changes in the outside world without changing own confusion and misbalance. It is like washing the floor in my house and keep going around in dirty shoes. Nothing will change then… The mud will just spread around…

I do not feel guilty about not going to the war zone at this time (and I hope by God I will not have to anymore)… There will be always something to do for the wild volunteer such as I am. I have a lot of dreams, plans, projects… However, I understand that my main project is I. I understand that my children, my family and my Labradors need me. But first I want to need myself because without it I will not be able to move forward. The most important thing is to find your own harmony especially when the world around is not so harmonic (to put it mildly)… every day there is a new test, sometimes I just want to hide in the corner, cry and say: “Leave me alone, this is it, I don’t want to do anything anymore”… But then I feel that I do want a lot of things. I want to breathe, to live, to hug my children, to play around with the Labs, visit my grandma, and drink coffee with my Mom… To hold my favorite nephews… To meet and to hug people I love. I want to go fishing or to cook something tasty with my husband. I want to travel, to see the world, to write a book, to fulfill my projects… To go to the East to talk to people… I want the war to be over the most… Victory and positive changes in my country. So many dreams I can’t write about all of them. The thing is that the next step after “I want” is “I need to do something”… And for this I need to become whole again. Not put together from old damaged fragments but a new me made from my own principles, feelings, realizations, strength, colossal experience of the last two years… Otherwise, everything I want is just an illusion that will only exist only in my dreams.

The WWU project gives me a change not to disappear, not to be totally disillusioned, to breathe and feel… It gives me the touches of people who understand me like no one else because they have war experience… And an amazing team of trainers who are like my spiritual family and I feel their support. I also feel that our team is the company of the chosen people because we earned a chance to meet Ditte. I take in the wisdom of this person and admire her ability to see and feel people. I make effort to get an impulse to grow out of my own war experience. One time an embroidery master said that the Ukrainians did not disappear as a nation because they sewed themselves to this land. It would be better if they sewed themselves to each other, said Ditte. This remark was a huge discovery for me. I share this story with the veterans and the civils. Because I understand that being sewed to each other is the guarantee of our victory and our future.

I look at my black pearl on the green paracord. I feel that I am a part of significant and meaningful changes. A valuable part. Perhaps I will not live to the day when the whole planet changes but I want to be involved in making the change, as Ditte says.

Our first aid post at the corner of Prorizna and Khreschatyk was opened instead of the burnt down Trade Union Building. I was known as “Vitaliy, therapist”. We had these handmade name tags on our white coats. No last names, phone numbers, places of work or residence – only names and medical specialty in the journal. The ministers of health and education prohibited doctors and teachers to take part in the events. As it turned out, I was the only therapist on my shift. Also the Medical National Resistance Office assigned me to be a psychologist for my fellow colleagues.

Unexpectedly there was a significant number of the seriously ill patients. Except of acute colds and pneumonias there were many people with severe exacerbation of chronic illnesses, some in the stage of decompensation. It seemed they only had a few days left to live. I sent such patients to the Kyiv hospital number 17. I even had several cases of suspected tuberculosis and cancer. I would ask them to go home and get treatment. Most of them would refuse to leave and ask for pills for relief. I spent a lot of energy convincing the patients not to be stubborn and be rational. I was touched because they addressed me as “Father”, “Brother” and “Mister Professor”. When I objected my colleagues told me that it is better seen from the outside. This gave me a feeling of great responsibility and inner tension.

My therapist and medical psychologist duties demanded discipline and clarity but outwardly I was kind, gentle and smiled softly. I had a lump in my throat from time to time and was afraid I would cry when the patients would tell me how they got sick or injured. I was trying to joke and to give optimism to my patients.

ICTV channel visited us on February 23 2014 in the morning. We were all so exhausted that when it was time to say goodbye, we just said Thank you to each other, and one by one dissolved into space. The desire to go home pushed me towards the railroad tickets office. Halfway there on the Shevchenko Boulevard I felt that my throat contracted and tears came to my eyes. I ran into the bushes and started to cry aloud, tears were flowing in endless waterfall. After about half an hour I started to calm down and went to get tickets.

I stopped at the St. Vololdymyr Cathedral on the way were they had special service for the fallen. I lighted some candles for those who died so they rested in peace and for the health of my patients. The cathedral was full of people and they were all crying. I had another crying attack. I was even surprised that I had so many tears inside of me… Luckily I was alone in the train compartment. I lay down, put a towel on my face and had a third crying attack.

Next day I was in a great mood. I gave a lecture to the students in the afternoon. It was my favorite topics – “Methods of the psychogenic self-regulation”. At the end of the lecture, I thought that the work of my colleagues at our first aid post was the best example of the psychogenic self-regulation. As soon as started talking about our work and how we handled everything, I had a lump in my throat and tears were flowing down my face. It was impossible to stop. I was critical about what was happening. An old lecturer is crying talking about psychogenic self-regulation and cannot get a hold of himself in front of so many students. Suddenly one of the students (he participated in Maidan), started to clap. Everyone started to clap. I was so surprised that I stopped crying. I never give Maidan as an example since then.

Crying attacks would not stop. Especially after the National Anthem, “Plyve kacha” song, any outside reminders of the February events at Maidan. It seemed that I left a part of myself there. I tried to come back to my first aid post in March and find myself. I worked with great inspiration for a few days in the beginning of the month but the attacks continued at home. After a few month of the spasms and tears, I felt worse at the first aid post. At home I was unconscious for two days with fever. I was sick for a month with bronchitis. My friend, the psychiatrist, gave sedatives but they did not work. I remembered that during the lecture my attack stopped after a sudden occurrence. I decided to start fasting and prescribed myself a new activity – first aid course for volunteers. There was a lot of work to do and my condition improved (fewer attacks). I interpreted my condition as an acute stress disorder due to empathic experience.

Due to the war in the east of Ukraine, increasing quantity of psychologically traumatized soldiers, my own experience, I entered the university to get a degree in practical psychology and also started to look for such courses on the Internet. This is how I found information about Bodynamics and Ditte Marcher, and this brought me to the circle of like-minded friends. Trips to the front during 2015 as a tactical medicine instructor stripped me of any fear and convinced me that I can overcome most of the problems.

During the training my condition improved very much. I only had spasm in my throat once during the 3 rd module when I went deeper into my life and looked for the crisis moments. I cry only very seldom and people around me do not even notice it. I am able to be in control of my psychological state most of the time despite the events and I am able to make key decisions. I hope that further training in Bodynamics will open my creative resources in the fullest.

I met only few of those people, but they have helped me to understand something very important, something that made me think a lot. The concept “I have to” became the main incentive to change for me. I had to be a good boy, I had to fit in, I had to become a decent builder of communism, I had to receive good notes, I had to… I had to do everything to please everyone! And I know what concerned me so much – where did I get that much dues?! Every time when I “payed my dues” I felt cheated, my personal space and my dignity were stolen from me piece by piece.

Ditte, I remember that during one of the trainings I exploded wih emotions, I couldn’t hold back my tears. These were good tears. Tears of regret for my bruised dignity and tears of joy and relief. How easy and difficult are these words “You have the right”! Behind it I see two extremely important concepts – mindful Choice and Freedom.

I am completely sure that no one has the right to tell a person “You have to” except for oneself. And I see why you dedicated your life to fight for human’s rights! Now it is very close to me and it becomes an important part of my life!

I want people to be free, free in their choices, free from their fears, free to express themselves. I want them to live “for” and not “because of”, and I will try to do my best to make that happen.

I believe that people meet for a reason. I probably deserved to meet you, Ditte. I thank my fate for this.

Letter to my Daughter:

My dear beloved grown-up daughter!

I don’t have a particular reason to write this letter, if only maybe this is another way to talk to you, to tell once more how much I love you. I am so happy to have you! Whenever I look at you I can’t stop to admire how nice you grew up. You managed to take all the best from me and mom. And please forgive us our nagging, we hope you understand the nature of it.

I remember that once you asked me seriously if it was true that I wanted a son, not a daughter. I thought it was child’s curiosity back than and didn’t understand how important was that question. I think at some point every person needs to receive confirmation of their right to exist in this world. I don’t want you to have even the smallest doubt – you are the most anticipated, welcome and beloved, you are an important part not only of our family but also of the Universe. Please remember that!

You know, there were some situations when I thought everything was against me and I blamed the circumstances… but then I imagined your smile and your beautiful eyes not only did it calm me down, but gave me strength to move on. You have a powerful sight – even as a child you had this wisdom in your eyes. Most parents think that they educate their children, but now I know that it’s completely opposite. When parents don’t understand this simple truth they end up trying to make their children become a better version of themselves, as if they were using their children’s chance to “play the game of life” one more time. And that is so unfair! I am completely sure that all of the parents’ wasted chances are their own responsibility. Parents have no right to throw it on to their kids. That’s why I want you to know that I will always support any of your projects, even if you’re gonna be mistaken, because these are gonna be your mistakes and only you will be able to handle those. Use the most of your opportunities.

Sometimes parents think that they know exactly how to live the life and how to be happy. They can’t be mistaken more. The happy-one doesn’t push others to be happy. Joy is the power to feel yourself and the world around you. We can’t transfer our feelings to others, but we can warm them with our happiness. I remember how glad I was when my dad gave me a bike!..I don’t think that a bike will necessarily make you undestand how I felt. Children are able to acutely feel their parent’s moods, that is why it is so important instead of trying to make others happy – be happy. I just want you to know that you have right to have your own happiness. And what is it like?.. Search for it! Be aware of yourself and search.

However there is something that adults really know how to do better – how to survive and provide the suvival to their kids. Adults pay for that with fear and anxiety for children’s lives and wellness. We learn to see a threat in harmless things. We lose our ability to fly and sometimes don’t let you spread your wings. And so the paradox is that the more we love our kids the harder it gets for us to let them go solo.

Mom and I always wondered how to achieve this balance as parents, when our presence is not overwhelming but just right. I found my own way to do that, but probably have made enough mistakes on my way. Maybe I’m writing this letter to apologize for not giving you enough of something that you needed, or for infecting you with my fears. I hope so much that you have enough wisdom to figure that out yourself.

We tried with mom very hard so that our love wasn’t painful, addictive or restricting, but…

I know that I could show you my love more often, especially when you were little. I don’t understand why adults take it all for granted. For me these are precious moments that are passed now and I can’t bring then back no matter how hard I try. I remember you being so tiny that you fitted in my two hands. When you, still so helpless, calmly fell asleep, and I forced time, wanted to put you back in your crib… and then returned back in your room too slowly when heard your demanding cry: “hey, I’ve got up!” or “hey, I’m hungry!”…now I miss your trust, I want to bring this feeling back so much! I would had run as quickly as possible to be near you so that the first thing that you saw wasn’t a ceiling in an empty room, but mine or mom’s face.

Now when you became older I sometimes see that you often try to be “good” and “fit in”, and even neglect your own interests in order to please others. When you were younger we apparently called it “obedience” but now I am concerned about this. I want you to move forward in your life without looking back. I’m not afraid of you becoming selfish – we gave you enough understanding and compassion for this world. But I am worried about you vanishing into other people’s desires, and this is not a good thing. Love to the world stars with respect to yourself.

Unfortunately, mom and me were raised in completely different system, where they didn’t need any individuals, but victims and faceless builders of “better future”. Please forgive us that we still haven’t quite overcome that. Maybe we left a mark of our false education on you, and this is why you have all that doubt. Forget it, be yourself! This would be the best reward for us.

Now when I have some experience I can’t stand when someone says to parents “shame on you,your child did blah-blah..” and these narrow-minded parents, in order to please a stranger that might not even have kids, try to show that they are “right and good” and start to scol their kids instead of banishing this stranger. Honey, I couldn’t remember any epic failures, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there wasn’t any. Our brain can trick us and make us forget something bad.

But even if you do remember something like that – please, forgive me! Don’t forget but forgive!

I love you so much! It’s because of you I feel that I did something useful and important. It fills my life with even more meaning. I wish you reach your goals. Walk through your life and don’t look back at anyone. You can make this world better by simple becoming one more happy person.

I praise the fate for having you!